That’s a really painful and insightful thing to share. It sounds like you’ve been putting a huge amount of effort into extending respect, and it’s incredibly disheartening when that effort isn’t met with the same kindness and understanding. You’re absolutely right – it is hard to get, and your experience highlights exactly why.
Let’s break down why this might be happening, and how you can approach it differently. It’s not about “making” people respect you; it’s about fostering a genuine connection built on mutual understanding and value. Here’s a thought process:
1. Understanding the Root of the Problem:
- You’re focusing on giving respect, not receiving it: You’ve described pushing, explaining, and praying for reciprocal respect. While wanting to be respectful is wonderful, expecting it as a transactional exchange is setting yourself up for disappointment. Respect isn’t something you can “earn” in the way you might earn a reward. It’s a feeling, a recognition of someone’s worth and humanity.
- Misinterpreting Reciprocity: You’re looking for a direct “you give it back to me” response, which isn’t how healthy relationships typically work. Reciprocity is more about consistent behavior – showing respect in return when they need it, but it’s not about a ledger.
- The “Stolen” Feeling: You’re correctly sensing when someone takes your vulnerability and doesn’t truly value it. This often happens when there’s an imbalance of power or a lack of genuine empathy.
2. Shifting Your Approach – Focusing on Being Respectful:
Instead of focusing on getting respect, try focusing on being a respectful person. Here’s what that looks like:
- Lead with Empathy: Really try to understand the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. Ask yourself, “What might be motivating their behavior?” This doesn’t mean you have to accept harmful behavior, but it does build a foundation for understanding.
- Respectful Communication: When you communicate, do so calmly, clearly, and without judgment. Use “I” statements to express your feelings (“I feel disrespected when…”). Avoid accusatory language.
- Set Boundaries: This is crucial. Respect doesn’t mean allowing someone to constantly disregard your feelings or needs. Learn to say “no” and to assert your boundaries firmly but respectfully. If someone consistently violates your boundaries, you need to limit your interactions with them.
- Model Respectful Behavior: People are more likely to respond to respect when they see it being shown to others.
3. Recognizing Your Worth & Protecting Your Soul:
You’ve hit on something incredibly important – the vulnerability you’re exposing. It’s okay to feel hurt when your vulnerability is not appreciated. It’s a sign that you value connection and genuine relationships. You are not responsible for someone else’s actions.
- Protect Your Energy: It’s okay to distance yourself from people who consistently drain your energy or treat you with disrespect. Prioritize relationships that nurture and support you.
- Self-Respect is Key: Starting with a strong sense of self-respect makes it easier to extend respect to others. When you value yourself, you’re less likely to tolerate disrespect.
Important Note: Not everyone can be trusted to offer the kind of reciprocal respect you desire. It’s okay to acknowledge this and choose to limit your interactions with those individuals. Your well-being and emotional health are paramount.
To help me understand your situation a little better, could you tell me:
- What kind of relationships are you struggling with most – family, friends, romantic partners, or something else?
- Can you give me a specific example of a situation where you felt your vulnerability was taken advantage of?
